Yea, and verily, this is a tale of grief, sadness, expectance, relief, unbelievable delay and boisterous mirth.
Sit down my son (as you should be already) and I shall spin you a tale.
Ted - one poor, lost soul and his never-ending search for his gift
Owen & Alan - his two friends, whose place in this story is somewhat limited
James - one handsome youth whose drive and determination are over-shadowed only by his comical nature;
John Witherspoon - an angry, crotchety, evil, old man and his unsuccessful business.
This is the tale of
Ted's Birthday Present
Sit down my son (as you should be already) and I shall spin you a tale.
Ted - one poor, lost soul and his never-ending search for his gift
Owen & Alan - his two friends, whose place in this story is somewhat limited
James - one handsome youth whose drive and determination are over-shadowed only by his comical nature;
John Witherspoon - an angry, crotchety, evil, old man and his unsuccessful business.
This is the tale of
Ted's Birthday Present
The year was 2001. It was May. James’ birthday was past, summer was on its way and the world was still a blissful place. Ted’s birthday was fast approaching though, and three friends: James, Owen and Alan were trying to decide what to get Ted for his birthday. Several ideas were passed around, but finally James said they should buy him a T-shirt. But not just any T-shirt, a wild, extravagant T-shirt, a mad, unthinkable T-shirt, a frabulous, grabulous, zip-zoop-zabulous T-shirt. A T-shirt that when first viewed, inspired all of us to erupt with laughter at the very idea that someone would purchase and wear that T-shirt. The T-shirt was expensive, but well worth it when split three ways.
No one really knew the origin of “Hoes Got To Eat Too”, it was apparently a line from one of John Witherspoon’s movies. James printed out the order form, filled it out by hand and put it in an envelope, he went out and bought a money order for the shirt and an autographed picture of John Witherspoon. James anxiously mailed away the envelope and eagerly ticked by the days until the 6-8 weeks it takes to receive an envelope, scribble something on a picture, put a shirt in a box and mail it back.
Fast forward to 6 weeks later and no box has arrived. James is not surprised. 8 weeks, James is enthusiastic that it will soon arrive. 9 weeks, James is losing hope. 10 weeks, James realizes sometimes it takes 9 weeks (that’s 56 days) to fill a box with 2 things and mail it back, giving them a week to receive the letter. James phones the company about this point, getting the standard answering machine message and leaving them a message asking them to phone back about the status of the shipment. 12 weeks, (that’s 3 months) James phones the company again and hears a different message. The phone number, (a 1-800 number) now goes to some guy’s house. James is taken aback, but leaves a message anyway asking if he knows what happened to John Witherspoon’s Bang Bang Bang Bang webpage store. Is it any wonder he never got a reply?
After 4 months, James, once again, is not surprised. Nothing ever seems to work right for this poor young boy. Saddened by the lack of a birthday present for his friend, and at the loss of over fifty dollars, James resolves to get his money back.
James goes back to the post office and asks about money orders, he is told if he fills out a form and mails it away to Ottawa, after 4-6 weeks they will mail him back and tell him if the money order has been cashed. Doesn't the Post Office have phones? The phone company doesn't phone you and speak your phone bill to you. He also has the option of canceling it and having a cheque issued back to him. Somehow James thinks that maybe, just maybe, for some reason, John hasn’t checked his P.O. box and just as soon as he finds the envelope, it will have just been cancelled and the order will become null and void. Nonetheless, James requests the money order be cancelled. If Possible. John may have "gone on, taken the money and run" to paraphrase the Steve Miller Band.
Days and weeks passed, James waited again, to see if his fifty dollars would ever return. He missed his fifty dollars and he wished he would see it again. Actually it was only one third his, but he missed it ALL.
Finally, oh glory of glories, it returned. The cheque arrived in the mail and James triumphantly marched to the bank and cashed his money order and snubbed his nose in the general direction of California and was ripped off about $5 for the cost of buying a money order.
But now, it was several months past Ted’s birthday and Ted did not have a gift from any of his closest friends. James assured Ted they had ordered something it just hadn’t arrived. They were now in a grand quandary, what to get him now. Then they all forgot about it for a long time.
Driving along one night, around Christmas time, after leaving Boston Pizza, James noticed a sign for Digital Post. It was advertising a sale on Print-Your-Own T-shirts! James giggled aloud and thought that perhaps Ted might get his shirt after all!
James soon phoned Digital Post, inquiring if this could possibly be true, if they really could make the T-shirt he and his friends had ached for, for so long. They confirmed the good news and soon James began work on the T-shirt design. For one low-low price, a T-shirt would be printed on both sides, in full color! James designed the front of the shirt to look just like the original, but was now perplexed. Surely, this was a great waste of money. A one-sided black and white T-shirt simply would not do! But what to draw, what to add, what to have, what to do?
The T-shirt went through several stages of development.
But, none of these satisfied James.
Suddenly James had a brilliant flash of inspiration for the back of the T-shirt. The complex editing flew by; the brilliant drawings seemed to just fall out of the mouse. The back of the T-shirt was a rousing success. However, the front remained a mystery and James set the project down for several days. James talked it over with his two friends, and in a meaningless conversation with Alan, suddenly, James was inspired again and he dove off into the realm of the Internet to help him with his new design he conceived.
And on the seventh day James finished his work which he had made; and he rested on the seventh day from all his work which he had made. And James blessed the seventh day, and hallowed it; because that in it he rested from all his work which James had created and made.
The T-shirt was complete.
It was brought to the printer and it was printed there. And in the printing, James became very glad. He returned two days hence and picked up his marvelous creation to the great amusement of staff and patron alike.
But. Now came the wrapping.
The Wrapping
James decided that since it had taken him all this effort just to get Ted’s present, Ted was going to have to do as much work as possible to get it, himself. So began the planning. James came up with a plan so devious, so cunning, so evil it would make John Witherspoon himself cackle with glee. James would completely encase Ted's present in a foam cake.
Dramatic Pause for Effect
This design was so good that it can only be fully explained and displayed with the use of a Mario Paint picture:
This is a cross-section of the cake. I've always wanted to draw a cross-section.
- The T-shirt was folded up into a tiny ball and wrapped with elastics.
- The elasticized ball was wrapped in a plastic bag.
- The plastic bag was tied shut
- The plastic bag was wrapped in newspaper and taped shut
- The newspaper was wrapped in saran wrap and ironed shut
- The saran wrapped ball was put into a Gumantulas bucket filled with foam
- The bucket was sealed and wrapped in chicken wire about 6 times
- The wiry mess was put inside a box in-wrapped with aluminum foil and completely filled with spray-foam
- The foam was allowed to harden for several days and was eventually covered in caulking and stunk to high heaven.
- Wine Gums, sprinkles, a clown candle holder decorated the cake
- Cinnamon spray, vanilla extract and room deodorizer was generously applied to the cake to try to contain the smell
- It still stunk
The cake sat for days outside James’ house, he thought to let it air out for a while, and also needed an excuse to get Ted and hopefully Owen together at the same time to give Ted his present. At great length, the day arrived. Ted and James went over to Owen’s to watch a movie. The movie that was rented was quickly forgotten as the great cake came downstairs amidst great cackles of laughter from Ted.
He somehow knew immediately that his present was inside and he hadn’t a clue how to get at it. Also, he knew not how it was constructed. He figured he would go out to his car and get his Swiss Army Knife. Owen and James greatly wish he had, but luckily for all concerned, Owen provided him with a much larger knife and wire cutters.
My words can do far less justice to the great chaos that ensued than the pictures that were taken can. Observe.
The Cake.
Note the smile, you won't see it again for a while.
The ceremonial first cut.
Several dozen cuts later.
Trying alternate entry ways, nothing new for Ted.
I begged him not to stab through the top, for he may kill what was inside the gift,
as well as what was inside me.
Unfortunately, the time on the watch is too blurry to read.
The time is approximately one hour.
He is trying to cut a hole in the 6 layers of chicken wire.
About 85 minutes in.
Success!
Thank you, Central Vac
Ted nearly died laughing, falling backwards and crying openly as he had so many times before. James was relieved at the great, great, near immeasurable length of time that it took to come to fruition and now had passed. Alan was in another country. Owen shook his head and got out the vacuum as all good hosts do after the cake has been cut.
Our journey here is over, the tale is told and the story is finished. I will leave you with these last few words and pictures.
"Do not ever be afraid to cross the line. I say if you are not at the line, you have not gone far enough."
Front
Back
To see the front of the shirt in ridiculously huge(and I mean just seriously way too big) format, click here
